I haven't written in a few days because things have been really hard here and I've been having a very difficult time adjusting. I stopped writing my blog for a while cuz I had nothing to say. Some of you know how I get... if I don't have anything nice to say I just don't say anything at all.
This transition has been really difficult. I feel like every day is a new roadblock instead of a new challenge. I keep telling myself that it's part of the process... new country... new language... new everything.
I'm trying to stay positive, but today was not a good day. I got screamed at by a cop today. I was so lost and couldn't get where I needed to be. This lady cop was screaming over her PA system at me in Hebrew to pull over (as I eventually figured out). I don't even know what law I broke! I didn't get a ticket, she just yelled at me some more (thankfully I had my sunglasses on to hide my tears). I apologized over and over for whatever I did and asked her to point me in the direction of where I needed to go.
A few days ago I was almost run off the road by a Palestinian truck that cut me off. It scared the hell out of me. So I keep thinking, "do I need a car?" "Should I just take the bus?"
Here's my dilemma: Buses running from the settlement here are few and far between and it limits where I can go and when. When you do get a bus, they're very old and it's sometimes seems like they might break down on the side of the road. The last thing I want is to get broken down somewhere between here and Jerusalem. People hitch hike here too. As if it's normal or something (although I guess to them it is).
I promise each and every one of you... I WILL NOT HITCH HIKE nor will I pick anyone up.
On the other hand drivers here are crazy! They make NY taxis look like world class cautious drivers. I pride myself in the fact that I can jump behind the wheel of ANY vehicle and drive it well. I AM a good driver. I have no doubt about that. So my thought is to keep the car until school starts on July 25. I'll be living in the city by then and will be more willing to take a bus or walk as needed.
I am open to suggestions and opinions about the car by the way.
I expected to not have "stuff". I expected my life to be different. I even expected it to be hard... The problem, to me at least, is that I don't know the language and my classes don't start for at least a month. I can't seem to get ANYWHERE I need to go and can't seem to get anything done that I need to get done.
I'm enormously frustrated that all I've done is wait... for a fax... for an email... for a phone call... for anything... etc... etc... etc
I sit here everyday and I don't understand why I keep trying and keep failing. Can't anything work out?? Just a little bit?? Anything??
I will try to be patient... I wake up every morning and tell myself that I can do it.
I got some great advice from family and friends the past few days and I wanted to share my 2 favorites that I'm going to try to apply while I'm here and adapting:
1. One person said, "Never let the bastard win!" I am determined. My confidence is shaken tremendously and every morning I have to talk myself into getting out of bed and trying again. It comes down to the fact that I don't want an asshole cop, a terrible driver, or a fax that I just can't seem to get be the deal breaker.
2. Another said, "In order to be brave you have to be scared," the email continues to say... "We both know things don't go as we picture more often then not. That's our bravery, making a plan and going for it. When it twists, turns or bottoms out, thats's the scary part. Plan B and C have to come into play - even when they suck (scary part)." Truth be told, I am scared. I'm 10,000 miles away from everything safe. I felt brave coming here, but that whole confidence thing comes back into play.
I was talking to a wonderful friend on skype yesterday and I told him that I felt like I lost my mojo. My confidence and determination have seen me through a lot. I'm tired though. I'd love for "Plan A" to take effect any time now. It would do a world of good for me.
I want to end this one by thanking those of you who have been emailing and skyping (is that a word?) me. Your words of encouragement and faith in me have really helped me the past few days. Due to your relentless support I'm going to keep trying. Don't think coming home didn't cross my mind, but I'm NOT GOING TO LET THE BASTARD WIN!
Just catching up to your blog posts! I can sympathize with you on some of what you might be seeing feeling. I entered the Navy at 17 after dropping out of high school for the third time! Three times means school for me then was not part of the program. I initially joined and tried some crypto type stuff like your dad did only with programming stuff. It did not stick and I transferred (after getting into a lot of trouble!) to the fleet. My first deployment was to the north Atlantic into the "white Sea" look it up, it was 1980 and a US War ship, whew strange times. I noticed that everywhere I went every port visit there were protests against us and many people hated me because I came off of the US Navy ship in their country! How dare I! I learned over time while growing up in the service that initially you will always have someone somewhere who hates you or thinks you should already know the rules or just blames you for being you. I learned to put on a smile, not comment and get as far away from the conflicts as I could and still have a good time. I did this because mostly just over the hill from where you are you will find people who get along because they don’t buy into the (BS). Many people live in the area your now in who are not from the area or can only trace their generation back just a few years while still other people who live in your area can trace their generations back a few centuries. Just think on this a while (?), “Harry S. Truman" formally recognized the right for the state of Israel to exist" but forgot about the existing Palestinian state that was already their when he did this. Palestinians’ who had lived in the same house for 20 generations were moved out so a family escaping the holocaust could have a home of their own. Right /wrong GD’s decision mans decision who can tell. I know that the Germans had nothing but contempt for the Palestinians because about 1.5 million also died in a camp side by side with the Jews and about 3.5 million other non-ethnic Germans, gypsies and such also perished. Anyway, just imagine what it would be like if the U.S. President had "formally acknowledged the right for the state of Israel to exist WITH the state of Palestine" how much different things might be. . Just a "two cents" topic to contemplate over a Beer! Hang in their, your much braver then me, I had Spec Ops and big guns to hide behind!
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